Skip to main content

Our Thanksgiving Loss

(I wrote this yesterday, but it didn't feel like the right day to post it, so I'm posting it today)

This was not the post I wanted to write.

Last Thursday, we went in for a 6 week ultrasound. Our PGS tested embryo had implanted and the blood tests had been perfect. Though we were nervous, we felt confident because we had so many things in our favor. There was only about a 5% chance things wouldn't look good.

But as soon as the ultrasound wand was in and the tech started looking around, I knew. Before the doctor could say a word, I said "shit".

Yes I was early, yes things could change, but I know these things never do for us. I knew she was gone.

We waited a week and found a place in Texas that would give us an ultrasound to confirm. It confirmed the worst.

And so today, on Thanksgiving day, I am losing our baby.

****

At times like this, I am thankful that our journey has helped me to find my home in grief. It is no stranger to me. I know how to sit in it, and I know how to stand up in the midst of it and be strong.

I am thankful, too, that my theology makes room for this. There is nothing in me that blames God for our loss. And I know he makes his home in my grief. Those who mourn are uniquely blessed, and I have experienced that blessing time and time again.

I have spent time reading this post that I wrote after our first miscarriage, reminding myself that God is not a spectator in this tragedy and putting myself back with him in the garden to grieve and receive his comfort.

And oh, how thankful I am for the miracle that calls me mama. If it weren't for her, I would think I wasn't meant to be a mother. But because of her, I am one. And I know that I'm a good one, because the road that led me to her made me strong and deepened my capacity to love her well.

****

This IVF road was supposed to be "easier". We had Abbie via an IUI, so of course putting a tested embryo inside of me would make this a more simple process. It has not been simple. I feel foolish for even thinking it would be. Having a child will never be easy for us.

But we have four more embryos waiting for us. So in a couple of months, we will dust ourselves off and try again. And I am eternally grateful that we even have that option. 30 years ago, we wouldn't have. Because of the time we live in, we get a chance at parenthood. Abbie gets a chance at having a sister. And so I pray that at least one of our four embryos would be the sibling our sweet girl deserves.

****

This is a horrible time to be losing a baby, on Thanksgiving day. But in a few days it is Advent, and as my friend Kari told me, advent is a great time for darkness. And so I will spend this advent season in the darkness and know that light will soon find us. It always does.

Comments

  1. Holly AndersonNovember 25, 2016 at 4:17 AM

    I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Now. During our time of supposed gratefulness. Be thankful.

    Well, Thanksgiving arrives the same time each year, but the things to be most thankful for don't.

    I could come here and offer you words of encouragement; but today, I'm choosing to climb down into the pit with you. I know how dark it can be down here - even though it's sunny at the top.

    I know how dusty it is - so dusty that it's hard to breathe and your eyes burn.

    I know how slippery the sides are. It's so easy to fall in, but like trying to climb a flame of fire to get out again.

    Grief is hell on top of blackness on top of crap covered in shit gravy. And you don't have to post a day late to smooth over other people's feelings.

    Yeah - you have a daighter to be thankful for. And you ARE thankful for her. But she is not the child you lost. Just like I am thankful for my mom and the rest of my family, but they are not my DAD. And no one ever will be again.

    Along with the loss, you are also grieving being able to simply have fun with your husband and produce another child. I am grieving not only the loss of my dad, but the way in which we endured his loss. I dreamed of my parents dying of old age after a long, long life - where I would miss them, but know it was the right time. Not what we went through. Not what he went through. Not only 126 days from perfectly healthy to gone.

    We grieve many aspects of loss, and that is our GOD-GIVEN right.

    So grieve. Sit in the pit for awhile and feel what you feel. Because what you are feeling has nothing at all in this earthly realm to do with what others are feeling or think you should be feeling. Or not feeling.

    I am home at Mom & Dad's for Thanksgiving with the rest of the family, and just now came into the bathroom to bawl after - with a twinkle in her eye a and smile on her face - my mom said, "I saved yesterday's big Thanksgiving Day crossword for you," and handed it to me. "I thought you and Joel [middle son] would like to do it together. I still see you and your dad pouring over that thing every year."

    Dad and I would work at their kitchen table on that crossword every Thanksgiving and the day after together. She was loving on me by saving it for me. It hit me hard, so I came in here to cry so I wouldn't bring anyone else down with me. And opened my phone and saw your blog.

    Grieve on, mama. I'm down here with you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brenda SiebertNovember 25, 2016 at 6:33 AM

    I am so sorry for loss! Hugs and love to you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. SuzanneNovember 25, 2016 at 3:09 PM

    My heart hurts for you. Sending you strength and love. Let me know if you need anything! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Boots HowardNovember 26, 2016 at 2:17 AM

    Praying that God will keep His BIG loving arms around you during this time and will never let you go. And of course we know He won't.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AmieNovember 29, 2016 at 5:35 AM

    Oh this makes my heart hurt for you all. Thinking of you and your family during this time and moving forward. HUGS

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Olivia Marilyn Rich

Hi friends! Looks like I blogged in 2018 a total of...zero times. I did start a lot of drafts, but none made it to publishing. I'm hoping to maybe get back into blogging (like, at least more than zero times in 2019), but I realized that until I can give any life updates, I need to post SOMETHING about baby #2's arrival. According to my blog, I'm still 9 weeks pregnant with her, but she is now 15 months old. So here is the completed version of her birth story that I attempted to write last year. In order to tell Livvie's birth story, I need to record her pregnancy. It was hard to write about during it, harder to write about it after it. I'm feeling less connected to it now- it is a hazy memory of misery in my mind. I know it was awful, but I can't quite remember just how awful. I guess this is how people have more babies, as the memories are slowly swallowed up by the heavenliness of the baby outside of the womb. The most difficult part of my pregnancies is...
Post a Comment
Read more

'Til We Finally Meet

When we awoke you were not to be You never swam in our blue sea Now you’ve gone to different oceans Than the one we floated our hopes in When we lost our baby, I did not know how to grieve. So I didn't. I treated it like a failed cycle and put my hand to the plow, pulling my heart and body toward the next thing. We will get pregnant again, I told myself. That will make it all better. Lets pretend this never happened. You were a breaking in the clouds We barely said these things aloud There was a question you were the answer We heard music you were the dancer But in the in-between time, waiting for my body to recover so we could begin treatment again, it eventually became too much to ignore that we had a child. Two children, I guess, though my mind can't possibly comprehend the existence of that other one, the empty sac that never grew beyond four or five weeks. But that beautiful miracle on the ultrasound scream, the sound of the doctor exclaiming "There's a baby with ...
5 comments
Read more

IVF update

We completed our first IVF cycle (minus the transfer)! For those are interested, here's an update on how it went. Stims I was looking forward to the stimming process, with all the sciency needles and vials. And it was fun for awhile, until my follicles (eggs) started growing. Then it started to get old and very uncomfortable. But I responded so well! For our IUI's, I usually had very little response at the first ultrasound. But for my first IVF ultrasound, I already had a great number of follicles growing with an E2 (estrogen level) of 937! And then things just ballooned. Two days later, I had 27 follicles. Then 39. I triggered with 39 follicles and an E2 of 4540. One of the reasons they pushed the number of follicles was due to my left ovary, which they were concerned they might not be able to reach for retrieval. For most of the stimming process, it was hidden underneath my uterus. So they wanted to make sure my right had a good amount of mature follicles, and it di...
3 comments
Read more