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In Remembrance of Me

lightstock_80434_medium_user_3552273I stumble out of bed on Sunday morning, feeling "off" immediately. Grief has grown weighty with the week; it bears down on my heart. Depression hangs around me like a dark cloud.

Prayers seem lifeless. I drink my coffee and try to read. But I can't focus. I can't make sense of the prayers. My heart can't find meaning in the words. I struggle through and drink more coffee.

I go to church, and I try to smile. I'm anxious. I'm tired. I don't want to greet people. I'm angry that I'm not okay.

I look at the babies and the pregnant women, and I think about how far along I would be right now. Had our babies lived.

I sing along during worship. Some words resonate with my heart. Others don't. I sit down, and I pray.

The ushers pass out the communion elements. I take a sliver of a cracker and a cup of juice.

I hold the cracker in my hand, roll it around in my fingers, feel the dust as it crumbles. I put it in my mouth, and I slowly crush it with my teeth. Savor it as it dissolves.

His body, broken. His body, crushed. His body, made nothing. The God of life turned to dust. 

I swallow the juice, feel it wash down the crumbs of the bread. It is cold and sweet.

His blood, poured out as a drink offering. His life, freely given. His shame, his disgrace, for the injustices of the world. 

Every week, I celebrate a God who has suffered and suffers still. Who was broken and beaten. For peace, for justice, for mercy.

Every week, I crush his body, and I drink his blood. And I am reminded that my pain is not meaningless.

Do this in remembrance of me. And know that I am with you.

Do this in remembrance of me. And know that I suffer too.

Do this in remembrance of me. And know that I dwell with the crushed in spirit. 

Do this in remembrance of me. And know that I am good. 

Comments

  1. AmberMarch 24, 2014 at 4:17 AM

    love your heart, praying for your peace and comfort

    ReplyDelete
  2. Andrea EnrightMarch 24, 2014 at 5:13 AM

    I'm so glad we've connected "blogs" or whatever THAT means. This was indeed sad, but it was beautiful. I find there's comfort in sadness sometimes. Depression, anxiety, sadness, they are all things that are very close to me. I'm grateful for your courage to write these words, and post them publicly. I promise they make a difference. I already am feeling more understood. And I am grateful for the reminder of the power of communion today. Of Christ on the cross suffering with us. I too, will be praying for peace and comfort for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. More thoughts on CommunionMarch 25, 2014 at 2:01 AM

    […] I wrote about my experience taking Communion, and today I wanted to add to that by sharing some thoughts from Jonathan Martin, taken from his […]

    ReplyDelete
  4. Elise @ Sunday CharmMarch 25, 2014 at 2:21 AM

    Rebecca, this is such a powerful post. I'm so inspired by your honesty.

    ReplyDelete
  5. RebeccaMarch 25, 2014 at 2:52 AM

    Thank you, Elise!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Eva Marie TaylorMarch 28, 2014 at 7:32 AM

    Thank you for being so honest with your raw emotions and sharing how The Lord is still with you carrying you through this extremely heartbreaking road. Love you friend!

    ReplyDelete

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