Skip to main content

Hi Blog

I don't love having this thing just sit empty... The May, 2010 heading looming there at the top, all the way into March, 2011.

But it has been a difficult year for words. A difficult year for updates.

I knew that this year would be hard before it even began... our ever-present quest for a baby, our quest that, month after month, proves to be beyond our control, hangs over me like a cloud. A cloud of bitterness, longing, anger, jealousy.... a cloud of pretty much everything I hate. But it won't go away.

And this has affected my contentment and joy toward teaching. I have been so, so hard on myself this year. I tell myself and believe the most horrible things about my competency at my job. I can't be as bad as I think I am, but I still believe it.

A few weeks ago, my doctor upped my anxiety meds. It seems to be helping. I've had a few good weeks. Maybe they will stick.

So there I am. It's been a rough year. I could say more about it, but it gets pretty repetitive.

And yet... every once in a while, I feel peace. I feel hope. I feel a presence strip away my cloud and surround me with love. He's always here, and I sometimes feel him. He's always with me, and I sometimes catch a glimpse of him leading me to himself. He is always good, and I sometimes see proof of that. And it gives me hope that this year will be for the good of my heart, for the good of our story.
Labels:

Comments

  1. StephanieMarch 24, 2011 at 12:52 PM

    Even if you only post once a year I will be so glad to read it. I especially loved your last paragraph today. He is always there and always good, and sometimes - sometimes we get to see it. And this is faith, isn't it? And it is miraculous and beautiful and also like a long, slow death.

    I appreciate you friend. So much!

    ReplyDelete
  2. LindseyApril 15, 2011 at 3:55 PM

    I loved reading this today, friend. I too find it so difficult to write when I am feeling down, but sometimes it's just what I need to do. You express so beautifully the paradox of our faith. Sometimes all I want to do is believe; to REALLY trust, because my heart knows I can, and all I can do is question because my human mind is also a part of me. If I could, I would change the circumstances that have weighted you down this year, but because I can't please know that I am standing with you, believing in prayer for your heart's desire. How grateful I am that we serve a God who is so faithful, he allows us to question and wonder. Love you, friend.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Olivia Marilyn Rich

Hi friends! Looks like I blogged in 2018 a total of...zero times. I did start a lot of drafts, but none made it to publishing. I'm hoping to maybe get back into blogging (like, at least more than zero times in 2019), but I realized that until I can give any life updates, I need to post SOMETHING about baby #2's arrival. According to my blog, I'm still 9 weeks pregnant with her, but she is now 15 months old. So here is the completed version of her birth story that I attempted to write last year. In order to tell Livvie's birth story, I need to record her pregnancy. It was hard to write about during it, harder to write about it after it. I'm feeling less connected to it now- it is a hazy memory of misery in my mind. I know it was awful, but I can't quite remember just how awful. I guess this is how people have more babies, as the memories are slowly swallowed up by the heavenliness of the baby outside of the womb. The most difficult part of my pregnancies is...
Post a Comment
Read more

'Til We Finally Meet

When we awoke you were not to be You never swam in our blue sea Now you’ve gone to different oceans Than the one we floated our hopes in When we lost our baby, I did not know how to grieve. So I didn't. I treated it like a failed cycle and put my hand to the plow, pulling my heart and body toward the next thing. We will get pregnant again, I told myself. That will make it all better. Lets pretend this never happened. You were a breaking in the clouds We barely said these things aloud There was a question you were the answer We heard music you were the dancer But in the in-between time, waiting for my body to recover so we could begin treatment again, it eventually became too much to ignore that we had a child. Two children, I guess, though my mind can't possibly comprehend the existence of that other one, the empty sac that never grew beyond four or five weeks. But that beautiful miracle on the ultrasound scream, the sound of the doctor exclaiming "There's a baby with ...
5 comments
Read more

IVF update

We completed our first IVF cycle (minus the transfer)! For those are interested, here's an update on how it went. Stims I was looking forward to the stimming process, with all the sciency needles and vials. And it was fun for awhile, until my follicles (eggs) started growing. Then it started to get old and very uncomfortable. But I responded so well! For our IUI's, I usually had very little response at the first ultrasound. But for my first IVF ultrasound, I already had a great number of follicles growing with an E2 (estrogen level) of 937! And then things just ballooned. Two days later, I had 27 follicles. Then 39. I triggered with 39 follicles and an E2 of 4540. One of the reasons they pushed the number of follicles was due to my left ovary, which they were concerned they might not be able to reach for retrieval. For most of the stimming process, it was hidden underneath my uterus. So they wanted to make sure my right had a good amount of mature follicles, and it di...
3 comments
Read more