I am trying to get back into spending time with Jesus on a regular basis. Which means I've been writing in my journal more. During my college years, I filled up a journal every 6 months or so. I have a huge stack of those journals. These journals laugh at my current journal, which is 1/4 of the way filled after 2 years.
My current journal begins in January of 2007, at a time when life was going really well. I had just quit my horrible job at Lynntech and was going back to school. Our community at Spruce apartments was growing closer, and our lifegroup at Corey and Sommer's was fluorishing. Tom had started taking classes at the Fuller extension in Houston, which I was able to audit with him. He was still on staff at Aldersgate, and he had raised enough support to cover the loss in income from my job at Lynntech. And, best of all, we were planning on doing the church plant in August! Everything was coming together, and life was good.
Then in February, my journal entry begins with three short sentences:
I won't get into the details of this entry, as most of you already know what happened during this time. But it shattered our lives. The next few months were spent praying about whether or not we should go ahead with the church plant. I clung to the hope that we still would. But by March, Ray and Tom had decided that it shouldn't happen. And that's when I knew that everything really had changed, that the community that had become like family to me would be scattered.
In May, we had our last 6:35. I tried my best to savor every moment of it. But it was hard, because there was no mention of the fact that it was the last time Ray and the band would be playing on that stage. There was no mention that it was Tom's last 6:35 as a staff member. There was no celebration of our time together, no closure in any form. Just the knowledge in the hearts of the leadership that this was it. It was over.
In August(after our trip in Morocco and then Tom's trip in Japan), we packed up Tom's office and moved him out. Nobody said goodbye. Patsy came in to show him that he only had $65 left in his account, but that was it. He put his keys in the mailbox and we quietly crept out. It was my last time stepping foot in that church.
I am writing this out because I don't think about it or deal with it enough. We are having such a hard time finding a church here, mainly due to the fact that we suck at trying to find one. We compare everything to what we had. And I am cynical and doubtful of leadership. Are they really as sincere as they seem? How do they treat their staff? How do they spend their money? Will they hurt us like we were hurt before? Learning how to trust again is a slow and painful process.
And there are times when I still get so angry. We had to start our lives over again. We had invested so much, waited for so long, and then all of a sudden we are back at square one. And we had to leave everything behind.
Not that I don't see the redemption of the Lord in our lives. I am thankful that Tom is at Fuller. I love my school. Our marriage is the best that it has ever been. We have dogs that celebrate our every move with wiggles and kisses galore. Life is good, and I am thankful.
But when I read through my journal, I remember. And I remember that I have to keep laying the past two years at the Lord's feet. I can't forget them, nor can I dwell on them in bitterness. But I have to deal with them, because whether I like it or not, they are affecting me today.
My current journal begins in January of 2007, at a time when life was going really well. I had just quit my horrible job at Lynntech and was going back to school. Our community at Spruce apartments was growing closer, and our lifegroup at Corey and Sommer's was fluorishing. Tom had started taking classes at the Fuller extension in Houston, which I was able to audit with him. He was still on staff at Aldersgate, and he had raised enough support to cover the loss in income from my job at Lynntech. And, best of all, we were planning on doing the church plant in August! Everything was coming together, and life was good.
Then in February, my journal entry begins with three short sentences:
Bill is no longer our college pastor.
Everything has changed.
I am angry, really angry.
I won't get into the details of this entry, as most of you already know what happened during this time. But it shattered our lives. The next few months were spent praying about whether or not we should go ahead with the church plant. I clung to the hope that we still would. But by March, Ray and Tom had decided that it shouldn't happen. And that's when I knew that everything really had changed, that the community that had become like family to me would be scattered.
In May, we had our last 6:35. I tried my best to savor every moment of it. But it was hard, because there was no mention of the fact that it was the last time Ray and the band would be playing on that stage. There was no mention that it was Tom's last 6:35 as a staff member. There was no celebration of our time together, no closure in any form. Just the knowledge in the hearts of the leadership that this was it. It was over.
In August(after our trip in Morocco and then Tom's trip in Japan), we packed up Tom's office and moved him out. Nobody said goodbye. Patsy came in to show him that he only had $65 left in his account, but that was it. He put his keys in the mailbox and we quietly crept out. It was my last time stepping foot in that church.
I am writing this out because I don't think about it or deal with it enough. We are having such a hard time finding a church here, mainly due to the fact that we suck at trying to find one. We compare everything to what we had. And I am cynical and doubtful of leadership. Are they really as sincere as they seem? How do they treat their staff? How do they spend their money? Will they hurt us like we were hurt before? Learning how to trust again is a slow and painful process.
And there are times when I still get so angry. We had to start our lives over again. We had invested so much, waited for so long, and then all of a sudden we are back at square one. And we had to leave everything behind.
Not that I don't see the redemption of the Lord in our lives. I am thankful that Tom is at Fuller. I love my school. Our marriage is the best that it has ever been. We have dogs that celebrate our every move with wiggles and kisses galore. Life is good, and I am thankful.
But when I read through my journal, I remember. And I remember that I have to keep laying the past two years at the Lord's feet. I can't forget them, nor can I dwell on them in bitterness. But I have to deal with them, because whether I like it or not, they are affecting me today.
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