Buried Hopes

After our miscarriage in November, I immediately began monitoring and planning for another transfer. I knew from my first miscarriage that the hardest part would be waiting for my hcg (pregnancy hormone) to drop. I took regular pregnancy tests, watching them get fainter and fainter. It's an awful process, but I tried not to think too hard about what I was doing, just did my best to push forward. Thankfully this time it actually went faster than three years ago, and it was only 3 weeks or so before I could start calculating a possible transfer date. My hope was that we would be able to transfer again in early February. It would be perfect, since Abbie's birthday was the 2nd and we would have our moms here to help out. I knew that relaxing helped with the previous transfer, so I was determined to get myself as relaxed as possible. Of course, that's when our sweet dog Riley's eye started acting up and causing him debilitating pain, resulting in eye removal a week or so ...

From about 8 months until a few months ago, Abbie was a piece of cake to put down. When I was nursing, I would nurse her and she would go right to sleep. And when I quit nursing at 17 months, she dropped to one nap, so she was exhausted at bedtime and went to sleep no problem at 6:30 (or earlier!). But the last few months she has finally demanded a routine from us. Books! Rocking! More Books! So many things. It's easiest for Tom (he gets away with two books, then "snuggles or night night"!), so he is usually in charge of bedtime. But some nights he has meetings, so the privilege goes to me. And let me tell you, Abbie delights is demanding MORE from her mama. Endless books. Then we must bounce on the yoga ball (I used this every day when she was a newborn and showed it to her a few months ago and now it is a MUST DO every night), and if I slow down for some reason she starts bouncing up and down to remind me of my job. Then, I try to put her down but she will have none o...

It's January, which is when my blog hosting fees are due. And with it comes the reminder that if I'm going to pay for this blog, I need to use this blog. Writing is hard work, but it is also therapeutic. It helps me sort through the chaos in my mind and formulate my beliefs. Living in my head isn't an easy thing, but putting words on paper helps make it more bearable. So I'm going to try to be a better steward of both my blog and my complicated thoughts and write more. As for life lately, well it has been understandably dark. Miscarriage is a horrible process to go through; the hormones and the grief feel overwhelming. I knew that all of December would be dark, and I trudged through it as best I could (while loving my little ball of light as best I could as well). And now we are in January, and it feels a little bit better. We are closer to being able to transfer another embryo, and I'm so ready to begin moving forward. Of course, transferring another embryo...

(I wrote this yesterday, but it didn't feel like the right day to post it, so I'm posting it today) This was not the post I wanted to write. Last Thursday, we went in for a 6 week ultrasound. Our PGS tested embryo had implanted and the blood tests had been perfect. Though we were nervous, we felt confident because we had so many things in our favor. There was only about a 5% chance things wouldn't look good. But as soon as the ultrasound wand was in and the tech started looking around, I knew. Before the doctor could say a word, I said "shit". Yes I was early, yes things could change, but I know these things never do for us. I knew she was gone. We waited a week and found a place in Texas that would give us an ultrasound to confirm. It confirmed the worst. And so today, on Thanksgiving day, I am losing our baby. **** At times like this, I am thankful that our journey has helped me to find my home in grief. It is no stranger to me. I know how to sit...

Since I last wrote, we found out that all six of our embabies "passed" the genetic screening. They were all chromosomally normal, which was shocking since I'm almost 35. The doctor predicted we would have 2-3 good embryos, so this was more than we could hope for. Because they look at the number of chromosomes, they can also tell the gender.  So we knew that we had one boy and five girl embryos. We transferred the boy last Thursday. He was our best looking embryos. I did accupuncture the week before, the hour before transfer, and the week after transfer. I had an abdominal/uterine massage. I ate pineapple core. I took tons of vitamins. I ate low carb. I ate soup. I drank so much water. I did everything right. It didn't work. I am not devastated. Just numb. I have been in this place so many times, so I am pretty strong when it comes to these things. But oh, how we wanted that boy to implant. How we longed for his life to be. How we dreamed of his future. Particularly To...

We completed our first IVF cycle (minus the transfer)! For those are interested, here's an update on how it went. Stims I was looking forward to the stimming process, with all the sciency needles and vials. And it was fun for awhile, until my follicles (eggs) started growing. Then it started to get old and very uncomfortable. But I responded so well! For our IUI's, I usually had very little response at the first ultrasound. But for my first IVF ultrasound, I already had a great number of follicles growing with an E2 (estrogen level) of 937! And then things just ballooned. Two days later, I had 27 follicles. Then 39. I triggered with 39 follicles and an E2 of 4540. One of the reasons they pushed the number of follicles was due to my left ovary, which they were concerned they might not be able to reach for retrieval. For most of the stimming process, it was hidden underneath my uterus. So they wanted to make sure my right had a good amount of mature follicles, and it di...