Buried Hopes

It is difficult to know how to comfort someone in the midst of grief. I have been there many times, at loss for what to say to a friend who has lost a father or a mother or a child. Particularly if you have not experienced this particular grief, if you have a healthy father or mother or children, it can feel like walking on eggshells. What if you say something wrong? Would the affected party rather you leave them alone? Does your attempted comfort only make them uncomfortable? Now that we are sitting in our own grief, I am realizing that while advice is rarely needed, love is always comforting. I have treasured the texts and emails from friends who are just checking in on me to see how I am doing, or just wanting to say that they love me and are thinking about me. They have offered  no advice, just their love and presence. They have been willing to cry with me or joke with me depending on my mood. And it has meant so much. With the texts and emails came gifts and cards. I wish I had t...

A few weeks ago, Tom and Keith (his boss/partner in crime) were asked to give the sermon on February 20 and 23. There aren't too many things that scare my husband, but this freaked him out. No matter how comfortable you are with communicating to others, preaching for a large church is daunting. There are a lot of people in the pews and bright lights on your face, and it can be overwhelming.  I wrote  last week  about partnering with God to bring beauty out of pain. It is really special when you find ways to do it. However, practicing it isn't always the easiest thing.  So when Tom came home and asked me if he could share our story as part of the sermon,  including  the video of our baby's heartbeat, it was hard to know how to respond.  It is terrifying to be vulnerable, but even more so with a story that you don't particularly like. I loved the story when it ended with a miracle heartbeat. This would have made for a great sermon! But our miracle was stolen from us. How ...

The weeks when I am the most broken are the weeks when these dogs spend the most time letting me know I am loved. [caption id="attachment_1106" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Gracie, snuggled on my lap while I read.[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_1110" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Riley on my lap, after he pushed Gracie off. This is his MY TURN face.[/caption] It has been the kind of week when the griefs sets in. Nobody told me that when you lose a baby, your body takes weeks to accept it, clinging to the hormones like it clings to the grief. I have spent years looking at cheap pregnancy test strips, wishing for a second pink line. Now all I see is pink, and I want white. I never, ever thought I would be in a place like this. And so it is a week in which the faithfulness of a dog means so much. The mornings have been hard, because I am so much sleepier now that I'm not pregnant. Most women are exhausted while ...

[caption id="attachment_1097" align="aligncenter" width="717"] Photo Credit: K2D2vaca via Compfight cc [/caption] I started this blog because I knew that writing out the things of my heart puts me in a better place. I'm not great at writing in a journal; I keep one, but mainly for scripture references and scraps of prayers and thoughts. Writing for an audience, whether it be 5 or 1000, forces me to formulate my thoughts more clearly. I can't just word vomit and hit publish. I have to do the work of evaluating my thoughts over and over again until they start to make sense. Suffering can make you forgetful. And at times like this, I would not remember dwelling upon  God's creativity or visiting Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane if I hadn't typed it out here. The other night, a friend asked me what has helped me the most these past few weeks, and I knew what to tell her because I remembered writing about it. And just this morning, I was d...

[caption id="attachment_1047" align="aligncenter" width="213"] Photo Credit: seyed mostafa zamani via Compfight cc [/caption] The world of infertility is a lonely place. There are few words to describe it, few ways to memorialize or mourn the pain felt every single month. In this barren land of infertility, even loss seems better than the lack. For most of our journey, there was only a lack. N o loss, only absence. No death, only non-existence. We endured years of this, years with a barren womb and empty arms.   We peered out our window at a world of fertility and life, so close and yet so separate from the room in which we sat. It took 6.5 years to see a second line on a pregnancy test. I imagined that this moment would be filled with joy, but instead it was filled with shock. I used to chide myself for hoping, for thinking things could be any different than they always were. But it wasn't until I got that positive test that I realized how little...

The first sermon I listened to by Jonathan Martin of Renovatus Church  was "The Woman at the Well" on 2/3/13. It was on the Samaritan woman in John 4, a common text about which I have heard many sermons. And yet, the way he spoke of the text was revolutionary, as were the remaining sermons in his "Seen" series. I have not looked at the women in the gospels, and the particular way in which Jesus sees them, the same way since. I have been listening to his sermons for a year, and they have changed me. I do not think I could have endured the suffering of this past year without the wisdom and grace Pastor Jonathan's words have provided me. At the end of our second failed fertility treatment, we planned a spontaneous cabin getaway, and I spent the weekend reading his book Prototype .  It calmed my soul and gave me the hope I needed to keep going. All that to say, if you are a fan of podcasts, and even if you aren't, you should tune into his new series on the Pea...

 One day, while he was teaching, Pharisees and teachers of the law were sitting near by (they had come from every village of Galilee and Judea and from Jerusalem); and the power of the Lord was with him to heal. Just then some men came, carrying a paralyzed man on a bed. They were trying to bring him in and lay him before Jesus; but finding no way to bring him in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and let him down with his bed through the tiles into the middle of the crowd in front of Jesus. When he saw their faith, he said, “Friend, your sins are forgiven you.” Then the scribes and the Pharisees began to question, “Who is this who is speaking blasphemies? Who can forgive sins but God alone?” When Jesus perceived their questionings, he answered them, “Why do you raise such questions in your hearts? Which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Stand up and walk’? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins”—he sai...